Yoga |ˈyōgə| - A Hindu spiritual and ascetic discipline, a part of which, including breath control, simple meditation, and the adoption of specific bodily postures, is widely practiced for health and relaxation.
Screw all that crap. Let me tell you what yoga really is…
The day started like normal, with the angel of near death visiting my bedchambers once again at the same unholy hour. I stumble downstairs and hear that we’re doing “Yoga X” today. Oh JOY! Up to this point in my life, my only contact with yoga has been via Wii Fit, which I am sure is lacking a bit from a full workout since the poses are just one at a time. Whatever, I have unlocked most of my Wii Fit moves and it’s mainly just standing in bizarre positions and breathing a lot, right? Right? How about NO.
When I was in high school, Saturday wrestling practices were the “best” under this one particular coach. You were going to work your butt off, that was a given, but that’s where the crazy stuff came in. Like having to climb up that 30″ rope that went floor to ceiling. No big deal right? Not unless you were inverted with your feet over your head and had to do it. THAT had some suck on it, let me tell you. Or when we would be bridging backwards, resting all of our weight on our head/neck and your tip toes with our chest and belly bottons being pushed up towards the ceiling. Again, not bad until you are handed a 50lb. weight bar, sometimes with more weights on the end and are told “Here, bench this.” while maintaining that same position. That dude was a sick twist of a coach as far as that stuff was concerned, but I can say this: we were in excellent shape and we were mentally prepared and most of the time, we won under him. I actually saw several things today that I recognized and now know that my coach had to have had some brush with Yoga at some point.
So okay, Yoga X. How bad could it be? I have never heard a conversation about Yoga where something called “Downward Dog” was spoken of positively and I now know why. I have already talked about how I recognized that I needed to stretch out a little more and get more flexible overall. Yep. Still singing the same song, only today, any shred of doubt about it was erased. We start in with the warm up. Not bad. I can stick most of the positions with just little minor adjustments. The DVD Instructor gives good tips on things to be sure and not do, as well as lists some variations based on your skill level. Cool, cool.
I thought that we had moved on to the real workout, but apparently we were still in the warmup phase. I should mention that this particular program is a full 90 minutes long, 50%longer than most of the other programs. Anyway, we go on and start in on poses and moving from one position to another. I’m fumbling along, but I’m getting there. After about 20 minutes in, my body is growing new pores to sweat through because it wasn’t generating enough through the existing ones. I feel tension building up in my groin and I start thinking how good it is that we’re done having kids because there might not be any coming back from this…and then I hear something that I have never been so glad to hear in my life. WHUMP! WHUMP! WHUMP! ”DADDEEEEE!” It’s Abigail who has woken up early. ”Daddy? Will you sit with me?” OH, YOU’RE DARN RIGHT! HECK YES, I’LL SIT WITH YOU, PUMPkin!!
Saved by a 3-year old.
After some vicious eye-rolling from Crystal, she startes to try to make me feel better by telling me about how hard it was for her a couple of weeks ago when she started doing this particular DVD and how much better it is now. Mmmhmm…Really glad for you. So, I sit with Abigail for awhile and then a new section of poses and stretches comes up. At this point, I start thinking that A) I AM doing this to get in shape and sitting on the couch isn’t going to get me there and B) how familiar will I really be next week if I am still doing some of the moves and poses for the first time? Fine, fine. Whatever. So I jump back in.
The Instructor merrily announces that it’s time to “Bring It,” which is code for “Your life is about to really suck until I say otherwise.” Now, this is kind of a rhetorical question, but if anyone knows the answer, please post it in the comments for the rest of us.
What the hell kind of pose is this?
Is this REALLY needful and helpful?
I mean, YAY! for physical fitness and all of that, but REALLY? I think some of our Hindu friends got some bad hookah or lost a bet or something when they came up with this. It’s like a game of H-O-R-S-E with body contortions and this pose was the “E” that someone went out on and someone was all bitter about it so they gave the pose a name, which made it “legit.” H-O-R-S-E-S-H- – - – - is the name that I gave it. I just sat down. My body straight up declined the offer. Thanks but no.
So, from there we move into laying on our backs, legs in the air, feet together feeling stuff spread that probably shouldn’t. ”Now, don’t forget to breathe!” the Instructor chimes. ”Buuuut my pancreas is constricting my airflow and I think my sternum and xiphoid process just cracked. Is that bad?”
But it’s cool, I can swing it. There’s only like 20-30 minutes left and I can tell that we’re about to be done with the feet over the head thing and I’m thinking that I’m in the clear, but I was clearly unprepared for what happened next. I think that a full description would be filed under “TMI,” so I’ll just give you the end result: I started farting uncontrollably (as if THAT wasn’t TMI!). I mean, hey, it happens and whatever, but MAN! I was really embarrassed by that! Usually you have SOME kind of notice, but NOOOOO! Not today! Crystal starts laughing to hard that she falls out of her pose, I’m turing red and blue at the same time while trying to find a source of fresh air. Abigail, who had been trying to pose with us informs me that she doesn’t want to do that part and…wow. Not my finest moment.
So, through the rest of the falling, not holding my pose, looking up at the TV when I should have been looking somewhere else (head position is crazy important I found out.) and doing what I could to look like the folks on TV, it was…a first time through. Can’t wait to do it again next week and Crystal better be right about it getting easier. Better get to bed since I have an”angel visit” here in about 5 hours. I better drop weight and/or get buffed up or else the P in P90X is going to stand for “Pissed!” Just sayin’.